Another warning - this second post is fairly negative on Christians and Christianity. If you're going to be offended by that, don't read it!
I continued as part of the church and got more and more involved – as a youth group leader, playing guitar and leading worship in church, and by age 18 I was on the ‘Vestry’ – the group of people running the church. I had the strange position of being baptised as an adult – meaning I could choose my own godparents – in fact my godfather was my best mate at the time and only a year older than me. I was best man at the wedding of two very dear friends. In essence, I was the model of a young Christian lad, though my ‘secret’ gay life was still there and still being fought against.
Things started to crumble a bit though – at 20 I failed most of my exams at university and decided to take a year out to weigh up the options. Signing up for training as a priest was one option at that point. I spent the year as a full time volunteer for the Church of Ireland Youth Council, taking bookings and doing admin for the (very large) ‘Summer Madness’ festival. Eventually I decided to train as a teacher, and as I could only get 2 more years of grant funding, I needed a 2 year course. These didn’t exist in Northern Ireland, so I signed up for uni in Lancaster.
I moved to Lancaster, and wrote to everyone – dozens of letters – giving them my address and phone number, and letting them know how I was getting on. I got 2 letters back. I wrote another batch of letters. No calls, no letters came. I couldn’t believe that these people – Christian people – couldn’t make time to get in touch, particularly those I thought I was very close to. I felt let down and abandoned. And now I was in a new country, with no friends. I joined a church, but I couldn’t seem to connect with people there.
Eventually I just gave up. People in England were much less bothered about religion, and I followed suit. And being gay was suddenly a whole lot easier since it no longer conflicted with my beliefs. I’ve since come across some of these Christian former-friends on the likes of Facebook, but after a couple of polite messages, it was clear that they weren’t really that interested any more. Maybe because I’m gay, maybe they just don’t like the person I am now! In fact this blog post was inspired by finding my godfather on Facebook and not knowing whether or not to send a message!
More recently I had a guy I spoke to occasionally on some bear chat sites and on Facebook. I was pretty neutral towards him, he was OK – a bit over-familiar in person, but harmless and OK to be around. Like many people in the world (I’m looking at you, Americans!), he liked to think he was Irish. I don’t know whether he was or wasn’t born in Ireland, but he’d certainly spent the vast majority of his life in England. But then he started putting strange little comments on Facebook, about catholics and protestants, and bigoted views. It stuck out to me, because English people generally don’t make distinctions along denominational grounds. I decided the best thing to do was quietly delete him as a friend, since I didn’t want to see these things. But he spotted it and started up a whole row with me, making some pretty nasty comments (which I just ignored till he stopped!). But it reminded me just why I’m no longer a fan of religion in general – it just divides people!
Do I believe in God now? Don’t know. But Christians have a lot more work to do if they want to convince non-believers!
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3 comments:
Joys of reigion. I'm sure you have heard this one:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Thanks for sharing.
I was brought up catholic, I even went to convent school, but rebelled against it quite abruptly in my teens. Not sure if the gay thing was a conscious part of that, but it certainly resulted in a less than positive view of organised religion. It has no part of my life.
I have also struggled with my religious past quite a bit. I am older than you were when you made your decisions and am still closeted due to religion. I do not work in the church, but I really care about my family and mostly just don't want to hurt or disappoint them. The fact that my family is mostly just familiar with the gay stereotypes that they see on tv and the fact that I don't really fit any of those stereotypes makes it (unfortunately) a little too easy to remain in my current situation. As a child, church was a place where a lot of my friends were and a place I could feel comfortable, but as I get older it becomes more and more a source of dread and I realize now that while I was always the class clown and outwardly happy growing up (and still am), the reality is that it is the primarily reason why I have been miserable since the day I realized I was most likely gay - and that's been 23 years now...
I have no idea why I chose your blog to ramble on about this, but I had just watched one of your videos and found myself reading your blog entries...
-Brandon
P.S. I am American, and I don't think I am anything but that so no worries there. I don't apologize for it because as an individual, I treat people with respect. I know the world view on Americans is poor these days, but we aren't all douchebags. =)
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